Admittance

So, here it goes.

When I was in high school, I was a cutter. I did not cut a lot, but enough to gain the self-guilt that I have carried since my first episode. The last time I cut was in grade 11. or 12. I forgot. That wasn't the last time I longed to cut though, it was just the first time everyone figured it out.

I used to be on so much supervision. Now, I am better. But I don't know if I am.

When it is too much for me to handle, I want to do it. I want to so bad, but I don't because I love Deric too much. I love my family too much. I cannot do it anymore because the consequences are too great. The feelings I get only make me want to cut more and more. It is a vicious cycle... but it feels so fucking good. Why is this? Help me?

I fantasize about cutting sometimes. Fucked up? I fantasize about bashing my wrists and cutting my legs. If it wasn't for the people I love...

That is something a lot of people don't understand: the love and the adrenaline from punishing yourself. It is a penance when it happens. It may be painful, but at least I paid for what I did. At least I showed myself some discipline.

Don't worry about me. I don't cut myself anymore. Not since grade 11/12. I can't. I don't want to hurt the people I love anymore. I can't help but want it, but I know I can help executing it.

Fuck.