Sunday, August 9, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
Saturday, August 1, 2009
For someone who wishes she was open-minded, I am definitely losing the battle. I am losing my willingness and passion to strive to bring out the better me. I feel like I failed. I failed myself. I am pushing away everyone that I care to come across. I am starting to fester old feelings that I worked so hard to forget and even get rid of. I wish I was more forgiving, but it's impossible. I can't forgive. I can forget it, but what good is that? I can't remember anything at all.
The biggest difference I saw between high school and the aftermath is the fact that people can choose whether or not to care about you. At this point of my life, I desperately need a good support system. What I thought I used to have was merely superficial. Everyone that I thought was close knew nothing about me because I masked it with all the unfortunate things that had happened. It was my way of coping, but would I have been okay without doing that? I fucked up far too many times to repair. What I tried to make my new life was really my old life in a different place. I need to forgive those who wronged me, forgive myself for wronging others and move on. This is so difficult and without a good support system, how do I do it? Am I strong enough to? Turns out, no one wants a basket case. Is this what I am or did I grow to be this? I'm getting sick and tired of myself. Very sick and tired.
I try so hard to free myself. I didn't experience the things normal kids did in high school, so I am attempting to now. But I'm 20 and they were 16. I don't have the time to fuck up. I've used that time to do terrible things, or let terrible things happen. I don't know why I can't just be happy or why I can't just love without hate. Or why I can't forgive and move on. I understand that life sucks and I shouldn't dwell, but its so hard when you're confused as to who your friends are and who is just being polite. I don't want to be socially inept. I want to have experiences and I want to share experiences with people and have them share back with me, but I'm growing away from people and I'm growing with a hardened heart.
My only fear, at this point in time, is apathy.
The biggest difference I saw between high school and the aftermath is the fact that people can choose whether or not to care about you. At this point of my life, I desperately need a good support system. What I thought I used to have was merely superficial. Everyone that I thought was close knew nothing about me because I masked it with all the unfortunate things that had happened. It was my way of coping, but would I have been okay without doing that? I fucked up far too many times to repair. What I tried to make my new life was really my old life in a different place. I need to forgive those who wronged me, forgive myself for wronging others and move on. This is so difficult and without a good support system, how do I do it? Am I strong enough to? Turns out, no one wants a basket case. Is this what I am or did I grow to be this? I'm getting sick and tired of myself. Very sick and tired.
I try so hard to free myself. I didn't experience the things normal kids did in high school, so I am attempting to now. But I'm 20 and they were 16. I don't have the time to fuck up. I've used that time to do terrible things, or let terrible things happen. I don't know why I can't just be happy or why I can't just love without hate. Or why I can't forgive and move on. I understand that life sucks and I shouldn't dwell, but its so hard when you're confused as to who your friends are and who is just being polite. I don't want to be socially inept. I want to have experiences and I want to share experiences with people and have them share back with me, but I'm growing away from people and I'm growing with a hardened heart.
My only fear, at this point in time, is apathy.
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