So, I quit WoW

Another excuse to change my blog name ahh

WHAT?!

Its Aug?

For someone who wishes she was open-minded, I am definitely losing the battle. I am losing my willingness and passion to strive to bring out the better me. I feel like I failed. I failed myself. I am pushing away everyone that I care to come across. I am starting to fester old feelings that I worked so hard to forget and even get rid of. I wish I was more forgiving, but it's impossible. I can't forgive. I can forget it, but what good is that? I can't remember anything at all.

The biggest difference I saw between high school and the aftermath is the fact that people can choose whether or not to care about you. At this point of my life, I desperately need a good support system. What I thought I used to have was merely superficial. Everyone that I thought was close knew nothing about me because I masked it with all the unfortunate things that had happened. It was my way of coping, but would I have been okay without doing that? I fucked up far too many times to repair. What I tried to make my new life was really my old life in a different place. I need to forgive those who wronged me, forgive myself for wronging others and move on. This is so difficult and without a good support system, how do I do it? Am I strong enough to? Turns out, no one wants a basket case. Is this what I am or did I grow to be this? I'm getting sick and tired of myself. Very sick and tired.

I try so hard to free myself. I didn't experience the things normal kids did in high school, so I am attempting to now. But I'm 20 and they were 16. I don't have the time to fuck up. I've used that time to do terrible things, or let terrible things happen. I don't know why I can't just be happy or why I can't just love without hate. Or why I can't forgive and move on. I understand that life sucks and I shouldn't dwell, but its so hard when you're confused as to who your friends are and who is just being polite. I don't want to be socially inept. I want to have experiences and I want to share experiences with people and have them share back with me, but I'm growing away from people and I'm growing with a hardened heart.

My only fear, at this point in time, is apathy.

Jackie Warner

Okay, so... I was watching one of my favorite reality shows, "Workout". Don't ask me how or why I love it so much. I just do. Jackie Warner is the star of it. Not only is she the one running SkySport, but the show documents her life as a lesbian. Personally, I love Jackie. She is confident and truly knows herself. She knows what she likes and what she wants and most importantly, what she needs. I really admire her for that. She is also very beautiful. She looks like a good person. I find it intriguing. Even though she has no idea who I am or that I even exist, I just wanted to say that I aspire to be the type of person she is. She is incredible and if ever I happen to see her one day, I will seriously shit rainbows.

Jackie is amazing. I don't quite know why she stayed with Mimi for the amount of time she did, but it is so refreshing to see someone who knows themselves without even really knowing it themselves. Do you know what I mean?

hair - Plastic Lacing

I want plastic lacing or plastic tubing so bad. I've wanted it since high school, but I just couldnt afford it. Now, I can! I found an amazing website Beautifully Chaotic and I really hope I can find out what I need and what I have to do to get the kind of hair I want by AT LEAST THIS SUMMER!

I fucked up so hard

Today, July 4th, is the anniversary of my abortion as a result of rape. I like to think that it shaped me into a caring and better person, but I honestly don't think it did. My pain was all in vain. Funny how that works.

To Be Fat Like Me

I was flipping through the channel today when I came across a movie that I am pretty sure changed how I think. The thing is, I've always had an unhealthy obsession about weight. It wasn't that I was scared of being overweight, but I wanted to escape the labels that were being put on me as a child. I was always the fat one. I didn't know how to control how I ate and the worst part of it all is that I have taken weight as an identity and labelled myself with it. Instead of trying to escape, I endorsed myself in it. I am not going to lie. I have prejudice against heavier people and this is for a variety of reasons.

1. The outside is a reflection of the inside. That's why permabitches are highmaintanence and depressed people are sloppy. Of course, this isn't whole-heartedly the truth, and even I don't believe it fully.

2. I've never been there on an extreme level, but I got a taste of it and I hated it. I decided to do something about it. Of course, what I did was silly and just as bad. I tell you, as tempting as annorexia may be, it was doing more damage than none.

3. Self-induced. Lack of self-control? Unwillingness to excersize?

Here is the thing though. This movie changed a lot of how I thought. I know that everyone has a story. It's incredible how often I can forget that. It isn't that I hate bigger people. I just hate the labels and the taunts and the person that people do not see over the weight. I experienced it and I never want to go back.

This movie made me re-evaluate the things I say. It's right. What god-given right do I have to pass these types of judgements on people?

I'm sorry.

Sandwich from Macs

Sandwich, good.
Sauce, good.
Price, good.
Taste, good.
Presentation, good.
Tummy, hurts.

owie!

Eat what you farm

I eat rice.
Deric eats potatoes.
I like rice with ANYTHING.
Deric like potatoes with salt.
I could eat rice anyday.
Deric could eat potatoes everyday.
Rice has a long shelf life.
Potatoes don't have as long as one.
Rice can be eaten hard or soft.
Potatoes can be eaten hard or soft.

The important thing is that we are following our ancestries. Get in touch with your roots and eat what you farm.

I really want "eat what you farm" to be my new guild name.

UP is down

THIS MOVIE IS THE SADDEST PIXAR MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN. IT MAY NOT MAKE YOU CRY, BUT IT WILL MAKE YOU DEPRESSED AND YOU WILL QUESTION YOURSELF. THIS MOVIE IS ALSO WELL MADE IN THE SENSE THAT IT IS WRITTEN WELL AND SO MANY PEOPLE CAN RELATE TO IT NAMELY BECAUSE THERE IS DEATH AND DIVORCE. THERE IS ALSO OBESITY AND SENILITY AS WELL AS DYING, TALKING DOGS. THEY HUNT BIRDS -- RAINBOW BIRDS -- TO SATISFY THE OLD ADVENTURER WHO IS ALSO SENILE. PENNY DOES NOT LIVE. THIS IS THE SADDEST PIXAR MOVIE EVER, This is an incredible movie. Watch it.