So, I saw a band yesterday at the Palomino yesterday in Calgary. My friend took me there to see his band, Matt Gig and the Intellectuals. They were really good and I enjoyed myself. Following them was The Liptonians. I don't really know why I was so attracted to their songs, but it made me cry and it made me smile and it made me laugh. For so long, I have been trying to de-attach myself from everything I enjoyed in high school, but after seeing them, I feel like I missed out a lot. Check them out. I think they are more than worth it. I wish I had a chance to talk to them. It is amazing what deep feelings of inadaquency does to you when you fall in love with something like music all over again.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Friday, May 22, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Admittance
So, here it goes.
When I was in high school, I was a cutter. I did not cut a lot, but enough to gain the self-guilt that I have carried since my first episode. The last time I cut was in grade 11. or 12. I forgot. That wasn't the last time I longed to cut though, it was just the first time everyone figured it out.
I used to be on so much supervision. Now, I am better. But I don't know if I am.
When it is too much for me to handle, I want to do it. I want to so bad, but I don't because I love Deric too much. I love my family too much. I cannot do it anymore because the consequences are too great. The feelings I get only make me want to cut more and more. It is a vicious cycle... but it feels so fucking good. Why is this? Help me?
I fantasize about cutting sometimes. Fucked up? I fantasize about bashing my wrists and cutting my legs. If it wasn't for the people I love...
That is something a lot of people don't understand: the love and the adrenaline from punishing yourself. It is a penance when it happens. It may be painful, but at least I paid for what I did. At least I showed myself some discipline.
Don't worry about me. I don't cut myself anymore. Not since grade 11/12. I can't. I don't want to hurt the people I love anymore. I can't help but want it, but I know I can help executing it.
Fuck.
When I was in high school, I was a cutter. I did not cut a lot, but enough to gain the self-guilt that I have carried since my first episode. The last time I cut was in grade 11. or 12. I forgot. That wasn't the last time I longed to cut though, it was just the first time everyone figured it out.
I used to be on so much supervision. Now, I am better. But I don't know if I am.
When it is too much for me to handle, I want to do it. I want to so bad, but I don't because I love Deric too much. I love my family too much. I cannot do it anymore because the consequences are too great. The feelings I get only make me want to cut more and more. It is a vicious cycle... but it feels so fucking good. Why is this? Help me?
I fantasize about cutting sometimes. Fucked up? I fantasize about bashing my wrists and cutting my legs. If it wasn't for the people I love...
That is something a lot of people don't understand: the love and the adrenaline from punishing yourself. It is a penance when it happens. It may be painful, but at least I paid for what I did. At least I showed myself some discipline.
Don't worry about me. I don't cut myself anymore. Not since grade 11/12. I can't. I don't want to hurt the people I love anymore. I can't help but want it, but I know I can help executing it.
Fuck.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Roommates
This week has been a bipolar experience in terms of roommates. I've surpassed tumbling points, friendly neutrality and hopeful imagery. Upon experiencing these different emotions, I realized something. Actually, Deric realized something, not me. I am definitely leaching the idea off of him.
Are people to be trusted? Deric and I are two different people. For me, people who I first meet start very well with me. As a result, when others do wrong, I get disappointed. I see people in very good light and as a result, I trust easily and get hurt easily too. Deric is the exact opposite. Sometimes, I think his way of thinking is better. It is good to NOT trust everyone first. People should be gaining their trust instead of abusing it. Here is the thing: while you may know your roommates (this excludes friends who move in with you), you don't actually know them. You live in a house with total strangers. Doesn't that astonish you?
Last year (2007-08), I had a horrible experience with ALL 4 of my roommates. They were either unclean, unfriendly or disrespectful. Since everyone starts off friendly with me, I have the habit of bottling the things that bug me until I can no longer stand it. While you may think this is wrong, the truth is people prefer it. Imagine if I had called on EVERYTHING. There is no way of winning when you have to run the damn place. Whether it is not looking at me while I'm talking or leaving your dishes in the sink for days until a certain stench overtakes the kitchen or trying to take advantage of me, I believe I tolerate it all. Now that I look back, there are only a few roommates - if that - that have helped me sweep the floor or clean the counter or were nice and realized that I require the same respect as anyone else. I should not be made out to be "the landlady" because I am first of all a student, but I am also a daughter and if I find a potential flaw of which it will affect the house financially and thus me and my family, then yes, I will choose my family which is something I am sure many people would do. I am not in the wrong just because I have said what is true and what people are afraid to say. If I have ex-communicated you or did not renew your lease, then there was a good reason in doing so. Just as I would not be offended if someone left, others should not take offense to me not renewing the lease. It does not work one-way.
Living with someone is very personal. Everything someone does is closely monitered and recognized by everyone else in the house. They probably know it more than the problem-tenant him/herself. If there is a personality clash or an inability to pay rent, then it comes with baggage. Stress about the house is the last thing that should be on my mind, or Deric's mind, or my family's mind because everyone has their own problems. Whether it may be school, work, children, other houses, other problems, I hope all my past tenants recognize that it was all for good reason. All I can say is that things would have ended up a lot worse had we continued. For example, I would not have been able to get Pieroguie if the dogs stayed. This does not mean I hated their guts. I can think of a few roommates that I would love to have as friends, but living together just didn't work out. It has to be recipricocated and while I may seem fine with some things, I am a drama enthusiast. I have had professional training in pretending and acting. I am not fake, I am polite. I am not a bitch, I am truthful. I don't hate them, I just need to live with someone else, anyone else.
If you're reading this and are Justin, Samantha, Miles, Mike, Kathryn, Samantha or Elena, just know that I like all of you and that is why I personally chose each and every one of you. I hope I do get to see some of you in the future. I know I see Samantha H sometimes and we say "hi!". I do not feel awkward because I feel it was best. This year, I liked all my roommates very much. Good luck and I hope everything works well.
Those who have yet to come, I am very excited. I have yet to find people that I don't offend or cause awkward, timeless conversations with. I am in the search to find people like me - a little provocatity and obscenity raised with an overkill of politeness and a hatred, yet full of ability, for politcal correctness. I'd like to meet people that were raised the same as me and thus, have the same values as me. Also, people who are openminded and are not afraid to speak their mind. I need to meet people that astonish me with their gaming trivia and impress me with random subjects. I want to love and not just tolerate. It is so important for me to experience someone with a positive attitude, but also is understanding and not superficial. Is this so much to ask?
Probably, but I think I found some. I'm super excited.
Are people to be trusted? Deric and I are two different people. For me, people who I first meet start very well with me. As a result, when others do wrong, I get disappointed. I see people in very good light and as a result, I trust easily and get hurt easily too. Deric is the exact opposite. Sometimes, I think his way of thinking is better. It is good to NOT trust everyone first. People should be gaining their trust instead of abusing it. Here is the thing: while you may know your roommates (this excludes friends who move in with you), you don't actually know them. You live in a house with total strangers. Doesn't that astonish you?
Last year (2007-08), I had a horrible experience with ALL 4 of my roommates. They were either unclean, unfriendly or disrespectful. Since everyone starts off friendly with me, I have the habit of bottling the things that bug me until I can no longer stand it. While you may think this is wrong, the truth is people prefer it. Imagine if I had called on EVERYTHING. There is no way of winning when you have to run the damn place. Whether it is not looking at me while I'm talking or leaving your dishes in the sink for days until a certain stench overtakes the kitchen or trying to take advantage of me, I believe I tolerate it all. Now that I look back, there are only a few roommates - if that - that have helped me sweep the floor or clean the counter or were nice and realized that I require the same respect as anyone else. I should not be made out to be "the landlady" because I am first of all a student, but I am also a daughter and if I find a potential flaw of which it will affect the house financially and thus me and my family, then yes, I will choose my family which is something I am sure many people would do. I am not in the wrong just because I have said what is true and what people are afraid to say. If I have ex-communicated you or did not renew your lease, then there was a good reason in doing so. Just as I would not be offended if someone left, others should not take offense to me not renewing the lease. It does not work one-way.
Living with someone is very personal. Everything someone does is closely monitered and recognized by everyone else in the house. They probably know it more than the problem-tenant him/herself. If there is a personality clash or an inability to pay rent, then it comes with baggage. Stress about the house is the last thing that should be on my mind, or Deric's mind, or my family's mind because everyone has their own problems. Whether it may be school, work, children, other houses, other problems, I hope all my past tenants recognize that it was all for good reason. All I can say is that things would have ended up a lot worse had we continued. For example, I would not have been able to get Pieroguie if the dogs stayed. This does not mean I hated their guts. I can think of a few roommates that I would love to have as friends, but living together just didn't work out. It has to be recipricocated and while I may seem fine with some things, I am a drama enthusiast. I have had professional training in pretending and acting. I am not fake, I am polite. I am not a bitch, I am truthful. I don't hate them, I just need to live with someone else, anyone else.
If you're reading this and are Justin, Samantha, Miles, Mike, Kathryn, Samantha or Elena, just know that I like all of you and that is why I personally chose each and every one of you. I hope I do get to see some of you in the future. I know I see Samantha H sometimes and we say "hi!". I do not feel awkward because I feel it was best. This year, I liked all my roommates very much. Good luck and I hope everything works well.
Those who have yet to come, I am very excited. I have yet to find people that I don't offend or cause awkward, timeless conversations with. I am in the search to find people like me - a little provocatity and obscenity raised with an overkill of politeness and a hatred, yet full of ability, for politcal correctness. I'd like to meet people that were raised the same as me and thus, have the same values as me. Also, people who are openminded and are not afraid to speak their mind. I need to meet people that astonish me with their gaming trivia and impress me with random subjects. I want to love and not just tolerate. It is so important for me to experience someone with a positive attitude, but also is understanding and not superficial. Is this so much to ask?
Probably, but I think I found some. I'm super excited.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Hi Nyhm! I like your videos
lol I knew there was WoW music, but I didn't know there'd be MY kind of music! I shouldn't have jumped to that conclusion hahahaha. It is so phallic and innuendous.
Grind Baby, Grind Baby
But not the leveling kind
I mean like playing WoW online
And then a rogue gets you from behind
So here's your chance
Drop my Pants
Like we're Raiding Grul, but
Like the mushroom from Mario Brothers
you are just gonna get one-up
In your Thunderbluff
Like a Shaman in the buff
You'll love my Totem where you PvP
I go for teens I'm just like Blizzard
and the ESRB
Staying up all night it seems
Carrening to caffeine
If you wanna raid late I'll Mountain Dew ya
Cause my Metal Gear's like Solid Snake
Hard to see but I'm breaking into ya
Hard like Heroic, More than you can handle
So let's do it like a Druid in the General Channel
Do it again now!
Hard like Heroic, More than you can handle
So let's do it like a Druid in the General Channel
Gettin' Woody now!
I love
That purple-headed staff because it's Epic
I think your Wii's the one for me
Because I'm swinging from the joystick
Moving to quick, carrot on a stick
Click on my button alchemy
But I got the notion that my Noggenfogger potion
Might give you the bone you need
Else you get small size like those Ally guys
No lies, cause Gnomes don't come equipped
And then we'll cyber like short circuit
Johnny 5 with a Microchip
Without a doubt I'm an epic mount
If you got a lot of Stamina I'll smile
And then Come back once in a while
Don't wanna subscribe just want the Trial
Hard like Heroic, More than you can handle
So let's do it like a Druid in the General Channel
Do it again now!
Hard like Heroic, More than you can handle
So let's do it like a Druid in the General Channel
Gettin' Woody now!
Hard like Heroic, More than you can handle
So let's do it like a Druid in the General Channel
Do it again now!
Hard like Heroic, More than you can handle
So let's do it like a Druid in the General Channel
Gettin' Woody now!
NYHM HARD LIKE HEROIC (FEAT. SUMMERGALE) LYRICS
Gotta Insert my floppyGrind Baby, Grind Baby
But not the leveling kind
I mean like playing WoW online
And then a rogue gets you from behind
So here's your chance
Drop my Pants
Like we're Raiding Grul, but
Like the mushroom from Mario Brothers
you are just gonna get one-up
In your Thunderbluff
Like a Shaman in the buff
You'll love my Totem where you PvP
I go for teens I'm just like Blizzard
and the ESRB
Staying up all night it seems
Carrening to caffeine
If you wanna raid late I'll Mountain Dew ya
Cause my Metal Gear's like Solid Snake
Hard to see but I'm breaking into ya
Hard like Heroic, More than you can handle
So let's do it like a Druid in the General Channel
Do it again now!
Hard like Heroic, More than you can handle
So let's do it like a Druid in the General Channel
Gettin' Woody now!
I love
That purple-headed staff because it's Epic
I think your Wii's the one for me
Because I'm swinging from the joystick
Moving to quick, carrot on a stick
Click on my button alchemy
But I got the notion that my Noggenfogger potion
Might give you the bone you need
Else you get small size like those Ally guys
No lies, cause Gnomes don't come equipped
And then we'll cyber like short circuit
Johnny 5 with a Microchip
Without a doubt I'm an epic mount
If you got a lot of Stamina I'll smile
And then Come back once in a while
Don't wanna subscribe just want the Trial
Hard like Heroic, More than you can handle
So let's do it like a Druid in the General Channel
Do it again now!
Hard like Heroic, More than you can handle
So let's do it like a Druid in the General Channel
Gettin' Woody now!
Hard like Heroic, More than you can handle
So let's do it like a Druid in the General Channel
Do it again now!
Hard like Heroic, More than you can handle
So let's do it like a Druid in the General Channel
Gettin' Woody now!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Is time worth $40.00? Hello Kitty is cute and definitely makes me as excited as a premature schoolboy, but some of her merchandise are so expensive. Take this clock for instance: sure it is in the traditional HK colours, red and white. Sure it has a cute apple imprint that looks even more impressive when you back up which is usually the distance you see a clock at. Sure the design makes you quiver and want to scream, but is it worth it? $40.00 could buy a child in Africa. a lot of BBQ pork buns or even 4 shirts from bluenotes. I have a clock. It is a spiderman one with a projecting light that projects it to the ceiling. It is also a digital clock while this one is an analog.
Ooooh... but this one is HELLO KITTY =[
Or how about this hello kitty watch? Sure it is beautiful and cute, but is it worth $995?!?!!?
I can't even think of all the things that I could buy with that money. First off, I could go to the 5 day seminar at Vancouver Film School which now looks more appealing than this watch.
I love you Hello Kitty, but why must you attack at the wallet? You are the simplest cat ever and yet here you are, kicking all the Asian and white girls' asses. I like you, but I hate you. Hellooo kiiitittyyyy STOP!!
Black - $220 Victoria Couture
Pink - $70
Bottom - Sale $133 Victoria Couture Shoulder Bag
I love Hello Kitty!!
Monday, March 2, 2009
Happy 5th Year Anniversary!
Deric and I have been together for five years. It may seem like a lot... and it is, but I would never give it up. The years have been like a broken rollercoaster ride, but what kind of relationship would it be if it was merely a train choo-chooing at 10 km/hr?
I wrote Deric a song.
You Are My Favourite
I asked myself if I love you
'Cause it's all too good to be true.
I love you with all my heart.
You are my Favourite.
I want to know what makes you cry,
So I can make those things die.
I want you to know I love you so much.
You are my Favourite.
You are the bumble to my bee,
You are my sunshine to the trees.
You make the wind seem so nice.
You are my Favourite.
You take me out to eat a meal,
Go out for a nice jelly belly steal.
and make my cake full of rainbow goodness.
You are my favourite.
You gave me a ring and made me glad.
Because of you I'm never sad.
I want you to know I love you so much.
You are my favourite.
I'll bring audio and melody when I have more time. wheee
I wrote Deric a song.
You Are My Favourite
I asked myself if I love you
'Cause it's all too good to be true.
I love you with all my heart.
You are my Favourite.
I want to know what makes you cry,
So I can make those things die.
I want you to know I love you so much.
You are my Favourite.
You are the bumble to my bee,
You are my sunshine to the trees.
You make the wind seem so nice.
You are my Favourite.
You take me out to eat a meal,
Go out for a nice jelly belly steal.
and make my cake full of rainbow goodness.
You are my favourite.
You gave me a ring and made me glad.
Because of you I'm never sad.
I want you to know I love you so much.
You are my favourite.
I'll bring audio and melody when I have more time. wheee
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